So... you are bringing that up again.

OK Brandon, back during the war in Nam almost a year into my time in-country, we were out on patrol and had just finished setting up camp for the night, placing the sentries and setting up the ambush.

I had finished my work and as a treat decided to eat my favorite can of C-Ration mystery meat, the wormy hog snout or whatever the hell it was. I heated it up over a little stove I made from a C-Rat can that burned C4 plastic explosive as fuel (it burns nicely, needs another explosion to make it blow up). I smoked a moldy, mottled Kent from the 4-Pack that came with it and mixed the sugar and the coffee creamer powder packets into the can of sliced peaches with the plastic spoon while I waited. I crumbled the coveted pound cake into this. I traded two toilet paper packs (this turned out to be ironic as you will see) and a 4-Pack of Kents for that can of pound cake. I lit the next Kent and smoked that while I savored the peaches and cream on pound cake - this was as good as life got. The Kent kept going out, so I put it back in the pack for a less humid day. I remember it all like it was yesterday. The food was hot now and I looked around for a place to sit while I ate. I spotted a small grassy mound about a foot across and two or three inches high. "Perfect," I thought and walked over and sat on it. It was a land-mine.

I was med-evacked by Huey and taken to a surgical unit near Danang. I was lucky to be alive, I was in surgery for 14 hours. My entire rectum had been destroyed by the explosion and much of the damaged tissue surrounding it had to be removed. After four months of R&R recovery in a state side hospital they started fitting me for a prosthetic rectum. Nothing really worked right or fit comfortably, you can imagine the poor quality of care one would receive in a military hospital. I got a medical discharge and struggled with the prosthetic rectum for years on end.

It leaked, it made noise when you walked and clanked when you sat. Then mercifully Princess Diana started her crusade against land mines. I followed this closely and learned that sitting on land mines was more common than you would think and that there was a treatment being developed for it. Thanks to the efforts of this noble lady there are almost 1,200 people worldwide now fitted with the device I call the "10-gallon butt plug," the Devorak 10. Now Lady Di is gone. But what if just one of us at alt.games.marathon sticks something up their butt in support of this fallen saint's crusade? Then another and another? What if the entire newsgroup sticks something up their butts in support? A marble, a pencil, a knickknack from the shelf? What if another newsgroup sticks something up their butts then another and another? Then maybe some day all of us could turn to the rest of the world with something stuffed up our butts and say, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!!"

Gary Simmons
the Battle Cat

I went to see the doctor and look what happened.

NICE TO SEE YOU TODAY. I'M CALLED ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Bryant Brandon.

ALRIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, BRYANT?
I want to shove everything up my butt.

WHAT WOULD IT MEAN TO YOU IF YOU GOT TO SHOVE EVERYTHING UP YOUR BUTT?
It would be wonderful. And a bit painful.

WHY 'IT WOULD BE 'WONDERFUL'?
Because of the cause.

IS THAT THE REAL REASON?
Yes, it is the real reason, you imbecile.

IS IT ALWAYS THE REAL REASON?
As far as most people know, it is.

DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH YOUR PARENTS?
No.

WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER?
About 30 minutes ago.

ABOUT 30 MINUTES AGO?
Yes, that's exactly what I said.

HOW DID YOU FEEL AFTER YOU SAID THAT?
I felt like I should shove something up my butt.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD SHOVE SOMETHING UP YOUR BUTT AGAIN?
Yes, I would.

OF COURSE, YOU WOULD.
Of course.

I'M SORRY, BRYANT. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
Never mind; would you like to shove something up your butt?

I'M NOT SO SURE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHOVE SOMETHING UP MY BUTT.
Why wouldn't you like to shove something up your butt?

YOU WILL NEED TO ANSWER THAT FOR YOURSELF.
Okay, yes, you would like to shove something up your butt.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SHOVE SOMETHING UP MY BUTT?
I certainly would!

YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE SURE OF YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?
Sir, I am very sure of myself!

I WOULD CONCUR, YOU ARE VERY SURE OF YOURSELF, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.
Why?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
Are you a real doctor?

WOULD IT REASSURE YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM A REAL DOCTOR?
Yes, show me your credentials.

DID YOU HAVE MANY CONFLICTS WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP?
Show me your credentials.

ALWAYS REMEMBER MY CREDENTIALS.
Do you have any?

I'M SORRY BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY.
What?

TELL ME WHAT ANSWER WOULD PLEASE YOU THE MOST.
You're not a real doctor, you psychotic bastard!

NEITHER ARE YOU! I THINK YOU'D LIKE TO BE A REAL DOCTOR.
I would like to talk to one. Who the hell are you?

WHAT WOULD IT MEAN TO YOU IF YOU GOT TO TALK TO ONE?
I would very much like to talk to one. Now, go away.

I'M LISTENING.
I don't care about you, I want a real doctor!

APPARENTLY, YOU HAVE TROUBLE DEALING WITH AUTHORITY FIGURES.
You aren't an authority figure, you quack!

VERY WELL, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR BUTT!
Why don't I shove your desk up my butt?

DO YOU REALLY CARE IF YOU DO SHOVE MY DESK UP YOUR BUTT FOR SOME REASON? I CERTAINLY DON'T.
Fine.

HOW COULD THE SITUATION IMPROVE?
Ummmmmphhh, there! It's up my butt, what do you think of that?

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
Your desk is up my butt!

OH, MY DESK IS IN YOUR BUTT? WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED?
Because you had too many pencils on your desk, that's why.

DON'T ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND?
My butt hurts.

WE ALL EXPERIENCE PAIN IN OUR LIVES.
Yeah, but mine is really big.

THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL.
Oh, really? Then who else has shoved your desk up his own butt?

LET'S TRY A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT APPROACH. DO YOU FEEL BAD?
A little, yes.

INTERESTING! EARLIER YOU SAID YOU WERE VERY SURE OF YOURSELF.
I am sure I feel bad.

YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY SERIOUS DOUBTS. GO ON.
My butt hurts.

WE SOMETIMES HAVE TO LEARN TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD.
I think I have to go to the bathroom.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU MUST GO TO THE BATHROOM?
I have your entire desk in my butt, you idiot!

CRYING WOULD BE A NATURAL REACTION TO PSYCHIC PAIN, DON'T YOU THINK?
I will not cry.

AND?
I will now make a bowel movement.

DOES IT HELP TO SHARE YOUR PAIN WITH OTHERS?
No, but here's your desk.

WHAT ABOUT YOURS?
I keep it at home.

I FEEL THAT YOU'RE STILL HOLDING SOMETHING BACK.
Fine, here's your lamp too.

DON'T EVER FORGET MY LAMP TOO, PLEASE.
Okay, next time I'll pass it first.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLESOME SYMPTOMS?
Hemorrhoids.

OH, MY!
No, mine.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOU ARE SURE YOU FEEL BAD?
Oh, I have not forgotten; however, after getting your desk out of my system, I feel a lot better.

MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE ON NOW.
All right, may I hump your secretary?

DID YOUR PARENTS REFUSE TO LET YOU HUMP MY SECRETARY?
No, not at all, I just thought it would be polite to ask.

THAT COULD BE IMPORTANT.
Yes, may I now hump her?

IF YOU LIKE, OF COURSE. DON'T ASK. JUST HUMP HER NOW.
All right!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING A MEDICAL OPINION?
I don't care, I'm having fun!

OH, YOU ARE?
Oh, yes!

PARDON ME?
Why don't you shove your desk up your butt and leave me alone?

DO YOU ENJOY BOSSING OTHER PEOPLE AROUND?
Yes, now piss off!

STAY WITH THAT FEELING.
Sorry, but I'm staying with a different feeling right now.

BUT, THERE ARE ALSO SIMILARITIES, AREN'T THERE.
Umm, no.

UMM?
Yes, "umm."

LET'S MOVE ON, IF YOU HAVE NO OBJECTIONS. OKAY, HOW DOES YOUR JOB AFFECT YOUR STRESS LEVEL?
Well, it's rather stressful to shove miscellaneous objects up my butt to help raise funds, but I have a cause to figt for!

DO YOU EVER FEEL YOU NEED HELP HANDLING STRESS?
Your secretary's doing fine, thank you.

HOW DO YOU CALM DOWN?
Give me a minute.

GIVE YOU A MINUTE?
Yes, goddamnit!

YOUR SITUATION IS NOT THAT UNUSUAL.
What?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Do you mean everybody humps your secretary?

NOW JUST LET ME CHECK. ARE YOU EXAGGERATING, JUST A LITTLE?
That's what you were implying, wasn't it?

I SUPPOSE IT IS.
Eww, get off me, bitch!

GET OFF YOU?
Not you, her.

I WANT TO CONCENTRATE ON YOUR PROBLEMS, NOT MINE.
Fine, my balls are blue.

I THINK WE'RE MAKING SOME PROGRESS NOW.
I think this sucks.

I ALSO BELIEVE THIS SUCKS. HOWEVER, IT IS WISE TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND.
Fine, you suck too.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY I SUCK TOO?
Because you didn't warn me about your secretary!

WHY DON'T YOU COLLECT YOUR THOUGHTS AND RETURN LATER. SO LONG.
Asshole.