For those of you not familiar with Marathon it is a science fiction first person shoot-em-up computer game that is heavy into violence among other things not a bit PC. I have created a map for this game called "Hell Hole" that is particularly violent with no story or goals or nuttin. Just carnage. I got to thinking one day what it would be like if I made a Politically Correct version of "Hell Hole", it would go something like this:

"Hell Hole" assumes that Christians have some sort of moral authority or validity and it even implies that God actually exists and has the nuts or the audacity to damn people, so from now on it will be referred to as "Heck Hole" and Gosh will reign on high and darn people to Heck but then only if the polls favor it.

Alien monsters have preferential treatment in hiring quotas. Woefully disqualified or not they should get at least half of the Marathon UESC Security Officer jobs via Forge player start icons and if anybody dares mention this is unfair they will be spurned and hated as specists.

There will be no weapons or ammo under any circumstances because guns are evil and guns will run around shooting people. Guns travel to and steal from banks, ATM patrons and Quickie Marts. Guns shoot cops in the commission of their crimes and worst of all guns force governments to take caution in the way it treats its citizens.

Half of the monsters will be female, half of those, lesbians. Lesbians will now be referred to as "Men without dicks" and will be put in charge of reassigning all family priorities and social responsibilities in Heck Hole. In fact, half of all net players MUST WITHOUT EXCEPTION lust after those of them that are the same sex and anybody objecting to, or found not celebrating this behavior, will be cast into the place of wailing and gnashing of teeth, and hated until they rot in their own filth because they are insensitive to others and are trying to cram their beliefs and way of life down others throats.

In an eight player net gathering, only one player can be Caucasian, 1 Negro (can we still even SAY that?), 1 Hispanic, 1 Asian, 1 Indian (Not those India Indians, I mean the Indians in America who lived at one with nature until the woolly mammoths were all eaten up then they lived at one with the giant ground sloth until they all went extinct too, then the North American camel and finally I believe they were working on living at one with the buffalo when we showed up... THOSE Indians), 1 Alaskan Inuit, 1 Arabic, and 1 "other".

The use of the term "monsters" or "aliens" MUST stop immediately! The proper way to refer to those S'pht Compiler monsters from outer space are S'pht-Lh'owon. All space aliens invading Earth or Earth colonies must now be referred to with the more considerate title of Undocumented- Expeditionary- Adherents.

Interacting with Undocumented- Expeditionary- Adherents will now require a governmental environmental impact report and clearance by the Sierra Club, the Harp Seal Club, the Woodchucks For a Better Woodpile, the Hairy Legged Women's Animals First Assn, and the Association For Animal Rights. If you need any more information just ask that animal rights activist over there eating the chicken salad sandwich waiting in line for his small pox vaccination. That guy with the leather shoes and matching belt who just choked the birds out of the sky by riding over here on the bus from his house he stole from the squirrels and birds and baby deer by plundering and raping the forests for his own selfish needs. Hey, if you notice him wearing contact lenses or having used soap or other toiletries gouge his eyes out in retaliation for all the animals that were used to test the associated materials and solutions.

Ramps will now be required to access the hills in "Heck Hole". Fat slobs... errr, gravimetrically challenged people will have a version of Heck Hole consisting of just one poly and a television. The non sighted will be issued weapons with the site increments in braille at taxpayer expense, but they will still have to check them at the door to get into Heck Hole, again at taxpayer expense. The mentally challenged will be treated just like you. You... were... just... insulted.

The terribly insensitive names for net game types must and will change. "King of the Hill" will now be referred to as "Person of the Hill Willing to Share". "Kill the Man With the Ball" will now be referred to as "Engage the Person With the Deceased". "Multiplayer Carnage" will now be referred to as "Social Intercourse". "Solo" play will now be referred to as "Homo" play... oops! No, better call that one "Jocelyn Elders" play.

You are not responsible for anything you do or say or think in Hell Hole... at all... ever. Remember you are a hapless victim at all times. Everything is out of your control. If anything bad happens to you as a result of your behavior in Heck Hole your only recourse is to file a class action lawsuit against those with deep pockets. Big Tobacco is ripe for the picking now. Maybe next year we can sue Big Liquor or Big Colombian Cartel or Big Bobs Big Boy.

If children are playing Marathon they must first be shown a condom being put over a cucumber. Scores will not be kept nor displayed as that would rapidly deplete their self esteem or even worse cause them to strive to do better than another child. As always, children must come first so if there are no children to nurture in Marathon, we must first wait for Bungie Software to provide a "Child Patch" before we play the game one second more.

If you do not agree with all of the above, there is something very seriously wrong with you. You are not fair or caring or compassionate like us and you should be shot and killed and dragged naked through the streets where we can all spit on you and kick at you then hound your family relentlessly in the media.